Musical Moustaches

James Last — The Lord Of The Rings Look

Long before LOTR was a twinkle in the eyes of Peter Jackson, James was sporting fantasy epic hair and moustache without any of the unpleasantness involved with hanging around hobbits and the like. Indeed Jackson tried to cast Last in his film but he was too busy reclining, enjoying a port and having his hot water bottle filled to bother.

Cultured— 9/10

Bonnie Prince Billy — The Confederate Style

BPB makes an awful mistake with this face thatch. Uncontrollably wild it serves no aesthetic purpose whatsoever and is likely to do little but trap crumbs and small insects.
The hooped earring suggest he may have been going through a piratical phase, though there is no evidence of a skull and cross bone emblazoned hat atop his coupon. This beard is purely unhygienic laziness in our opinion.

Confused—4/10

Lemmy—The Wonky Jesus

Nobody knows exactly what carpenters son and biblical A lister Jesus looked like, but there is a good chance it was very similar to the lead singer of Motorhead Lemmy.
Both men also have strikingly similar backgrounds. Jesus performed many good deeds, Lemmy sponsors an under 10’s football team. Jesus didn’t have a wife or girlfriend, nobody wants Lemmy either. Jesus rose from the grave on Easter, Lemmy looks like he’s risen from the grave every day of the year. Jesus didn’t have a driving license neither does Lemmy.

Converted—7/10

Mael—The Dictator

Sparks once advertised in Melody Maker for a bass player with the stipulation he wasn’t allowed to have a beard. Mael certainly made sure he was the sole owner of upper lip growth of any variety in the band. Lets face it though, nobody was ever going to upstage such a ostentatious collection of bristles. Indeed the initial trendsetters of this particular facial hair type Charles Chaplin, Adolf Hitler and Kate Thornton
at no point managed to pull it off quite the same way Mael does. Over the years Mael and his moustache experienced a great deal of success, the two are still together today and living happily.

Crazy — 8/10

7 Moustache - The Couldn’t Give A Toss Look Not quite sure who this fellow is or what his music is like but his unfussy beard finely compliments his breakfast of Budweiser and poor dress sense. We don’t know if he ever made it to Guyana but we would absolutely love to know if he did. Hopefully one of our intrepid readers will find out for us so we can get in touch and interview his arse off (Really?, ED)

Cracking 10/10

Badly Groomed Boy — Homeless chic

No this man isn’t homeless and no he isn’t a terribly good musician either but we felt him worthy of inclusion. This would be a good beard if it wasn’t for the fact he’s spoilt it all by growing girly hair to go with it. Also there are worrying traces of ginger in amongst those bristles!

Crude 4/10

John Oates — Smouldering

Brosnan, Sellick, Souness all tough men with moustaches? Well not compared with Oates. Velveteen voice and sensitive demeanour may have been his musical signatures but Oates virile hair growth suggested beneath this chassis of elegance he was primed for a life of car chases, one liners and sex with many women of questionable integrity. But Oates had a silent strength and needed not the trappings of a super spy, vice cop or badly behaved footballer. When those steely brown eyes fixed on you, when that
wonderful hair ruffled in the wind and that upper lip became taught you knew you were in the presence of a man of titanic power.

Commanding 8/10

Snoop Dogg — The Outlandish

Combining pigtails with a Bobby De Niro circa Heat goatee wasn’t the best move for this controversial rapper. The flaying tentacles reaching forth from his cranium detract any wow factor from what is certainly a well constructed beard. Only facial hair of a ZZ Top
proportion could counterbalance those eye catching danglers a top his nugget that Snoop seems so fond of. Perhaps in an effort to soften his touch he could tie the pig tails with ribbon?

Crap 3/10